New Year Post!

I want to wish all of you a Happy New Year. I know that I have big plans for this year, including focusing on the work-in-progress that is being a survivor. I’m realizing now that it isn’t something that happens on its own- it takes time. It also requires constant maintenance, because it can be easy to slip back into certain remnants of the victim mindset.

I am a survivor. I know that in my heart. Nobody can take that away from me. But sometimes what has happened to me and the aftermath of it all still hits me hard- I’m beginning to see that that is inevitable. Being a survivor does not mean that I have erased my memory. What happened to me, and the chain of events that followed afterwards, affects my life in both obvious ways and ways that I may not even realize right now. That is because I cannot un-do what happened. I can only move forward. I’m still working on that part, but I know I’m closer than I was a few years ago and that bit of progress helps me continue to heal. I believe in taking something positive from even the most painful experiences. I want to use my experiences to reach out to others who have been through this too, and I want to encourage other survivors to do the same.

I have had people approach me and ask me why I use the term survivor. One man told me that “being raped isn’t like a plane crash, where it’s a miracle if you make it out alive. Nobody ever actually dies from being raped, right?” First, people have died from being raped. Particularly in the cases where small children are the victims, the physical injuries can cause death. I myself could have died when two men raped me when I was fourteen years old. They had weapons and explicitly threatened my life many times. I was convinced that there were going to kill me, and after a while, I wished they would because the physical and emotional pain was more than I could bear. When I was fifteen, I was raped again by a different man, an online predator. This time, I was drugged with a date rape drug and the affect of the drugs coupled with the physical pain and sickness had me convinced I would die. While my body survived those nights, my mind didn’t. I attempted suicide twice, once as soon as I got from the hospital the day after the first two men raped me, and again when I was sixteen years old and the nightmares and memories were overwhelming me. I was saved in more ways than one when I survived that second suicide attempt. I refuse to go back to that very dark, hopeless place I was in during those first couple of years after the rapes.

It’s not always easy to continue to survive. I still have nightmares sometimes. I still have to try to cope with the fact that the three men who did this to me have gotten away with it and are free to roam among the general population.  But I know that I am very lucky to be alive today, after both what was done to me and what I did to myself to try to make the pain stop. I do not take my new chance at life for granted. I have good and bad days, but the majority of the time I have a smile on my face and a happiness and peace within me that wasn’t there when I was a teenager.

It still amazes me that someone who was as hurt and lost as I once was could come out on the other side- to go from being a victim, to being a survivor. If I can do it, I know you can too. I believe in you and I know that you have what it takes to be a survivor. I know it can be hard to let go of the victim mentality, especially if you got no justice in court. I’ve been there. But know that you deserve to survive. Refuse to let your attacker(s) take anything else away from you. You still have your life, and you deserve to live it to the fullest. Realize and accept that what happened to you was not your fault. Give all of that blame and guilt back to your attacker. It’s theirs to keep. They deserve that blame and guilt for what they have done. You deserve the support and love it takes to heal- and you can begin by supporting and loving yourself. I know that it’s easier said than done, but I know you can get to that point.

I’m aware that it’s a more than a little cliché, but I view a New Year as a new beginning- not in the way of making meaningless resolutions that I’ve forget about in a month, but by working harder than ever at being the best possible version of myself and living my life in a way that makes me happy and allows me to continue to heal and move forward. Why not make this the year you become a survivor and take back control of your life? You deserve to be happy. You deserve to survive. Remember, you’re not alone in this. I’ve been there too and I want to help. I believe you and am here to listen, not to judge you. I’m always here if you want to talk about anything at all. My personal email is rose.kalemba@yahoo.com and my twitter handle is @rosekalemba Thank you for taking the time to read this. Happy New Year! 🙂 xoxo -Rose

Quick Update:
I apologize for the delay surrounding the posts in the “What is rape?” four-part miniseries. I value timeliness and, most importantly, keeping my word so I planned to have each post up at the original time I said it would be up. I had planned to have part four of the “What is rape?” miniseries up a long time ago but a series of unexpected events in my life have hindered those plans, the latest of which being an emergency back surgery that I am currently recovering from. Thank you for your understanding and patience, and I apologize for the delay. Part Four will be up this Friday!